


in the middle of a heartbreak song

by fortunedays



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, and then in the last 5 percent i take pity on y'all, liv is pining and alex is flighty, takes place ambiguously in s19-s20, things you said prompt, this is really angsty for the first 95 percent, to my knowledge of canon this is mostly canon compliant
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-30
Updated: 2019-09-30
Packaged: 2020-11-08 00:28:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20826329
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fortunedays/pseuds/fortunedays
Summary: It’s like clockwork: every time Olivia thinks she’s moved on, Alex comes back, each time bringing with her more heartbreak, and another chance for Olivia to watch her leave.





	in the middle of a heartbreak song

**Author's Note:**

> things you said #37 - things you said with the tv on mute.
> 
> as you can tell by the word count, this kind of got away from me, but i had a lot of cabenson feelings that needed to be addressed.

It’s nearly bedtime when Noah’s little voice startles Olivia from a stupor.

“Mommy, who is the lady in your phone?”

“What do you mean, sweetie?” she asks, before she can stop herself. Dutifully, Noah brings her the phone, lit up with a notification from Fin which had drawn his attention.

Pointing to the smiling blonde with her arms around Olivia, Noah asks, “Who’s that?”

A dozen answers flood her brain, monikers that Olivia had assigned at their best – and worst – times; a web of complications that Noah wouldn’t understand.

In another world, where things went right, she dreams that Noah would know Alex Cabot as well as he knows Olivia.

Instead, she sighs and says, “Her name is Alex. She’s my…friend.”

* * *

She has an old photo of them, in a similar position, taken in another lifetime.

Before Witness Protection. Before Alex became everyone other than herself and then tried to come home.

Olivia’s kept it, despite the heartache that comes with it. She can still feel the happiness in her smile, in Alex’s, even through almost twenty years. A reminder that they _were_ happy once.

The new picture at the skating rink was a risk, but only to her heart. Alex’s arms around her were an echo of what she could’ve had, of what she always wanted. So, she had hugged Alex back, smiled for the camera. Hoped Alex would stay.

Watched Alex leave.

* * *

It had been easy, once, if a detective dating her ADA in private could be considered easy. Those two years had been the happiest of Olivia’s life. She hadn’t been afraid back then. She had been head-over-heels in love with Alex—and Alex had loved her back.

Olivia remembers clearly the first time she said those three heavy words.

It was the dead of winter, a bitter January night that had left Olivia cold and grumpy after a disappointing five-hour stakeout. She had returned to the precinct at almost midnight, her numb fingers typing a message to Alex to let her know when she’d be home. Her extremities had begun to properly thaw by the time she arrived home half an hour later, and she all but dragged herself across the threshold into her warm apartment.

Her apartment, where the lights were on and the television was softly playing, because over the past few months it had become half Alex’s too. And Alex had been there, waiting with a soft smile and warm arms to wrap Olivia in. Alex had pushed her toward the couch and wrapped her up in a blanket, and Olivia immediately grew drowsy in her girlfriend’s arms.

It had been there, on the couch, in the quiet semi-darkness, that Olivia had told Alex that she loved her.

It hadn’t been big. No grand declaration.

It was small and quiet and perfect.

And Alex had said it back, with a smile and a kiss to Olivia’s forehead.

* * *

All of Olivia’s _I love yous_ are saved for Noah, now. She kisses him on the forehead and hugs him close, and he doesn’t ask any more about Alex.

The Olivia who sat on this couch sixteen years ago would have wanted Alex to be a part of this. The three of them, as a family.

She doesn’t want to admit it, but the Olivia who sits there now secretly wants the same thing.

* * *

She used to be better at dealing with the loneliness. Maybe because the feeling followed her since childhood, a constant companion when her mother was too drunk to remember her own name. Olivia never found companionship in a bottle, for better or worse. When Alex had broken her heart with half-spoken goodbyes and nothing more, Olivia had returned to her loneliness. It had never abandoned her.

For better or worse.

When Alex had left—the first time, and the second, and most times after that—Elliot had been there to keep Olivia together. More often than not, she refused to talk to him about it, but he’d provided coffee and food and made sure she slept, and that had been enough to make her remember that, despite the heartbreak, she wasn’t alone.

Which was perhaps why, when Elliot stopped answering her texts—when eventually, they stopped delivering at all—she felt like she had been swallowed up by the black hole that had been encroaching on her heart since she first had Alex’s blood on her hands.

Alex, who kept returning, kept leaving. Who could never give Olivia time to heal.

It sometimes makes her think she’s grateful that Elliot cared enough to stay gone. Usually she just feels guilty.

She wonders, in a roundabout sort of way, if the reason she can’t stand her loneliness is because she’s just alone. There was always a difference.

Hollow and heavy at the same time.

* * *

They go a few nights without speaking of Alex. Which is a feat, in Olivia’s opinion, because Noah is an inquisitive six-year-old, and Alex is back in New York, and it’s been sixteen years and Olivia just wants _something._

She knows about Alex because her detectives, for all their talents, gossip like children. From the snatches of conversation that she can hear from her office, Fin saw Alex talking with Judge Donnelly at the courthouse, which has caused Amanda’s protective streak to border on hostility, and Carisi to wonder if Olivia knows that Alex is back again.

She didn’t, but she doesn’t tell him that.

She doesn’t say anything to anyone, because explaining why she still feels sucker-punched every time someone says Alex Cabot’s name after nineteen years isn’t a battle she’ll win. Instead, she types out message after message to Alex—some casual, some heartbroken, some angry—and deletes them all before her reckless nature gets the better of her.

Alex deserves nothing from her, but Olivia can’t make herself hate her.

Moving on was never Olivia’s strong suit. Which is why, when Noah asks her that night to tell him about Alex, she does. Haltingly, at first, as she chokes on the happy memories and stumbles through the sad. She shows Noah the pictures she’s kept, and he tells her she looks happy.

“I was,” she whispers, and holds him close. “She and I made each other very happy.”

Noah goes quiet for a moment, studying the photo he holds in his lap. It’s one of the oldest Olivia has—Kathy had taken it at a precinct Christmas party, the first one after Olivia and Alex had made things official. Olivia was standing behind Alex, hugging her tightly, both of them caught mid-laugh. It had been her best-kept secret, Kathy told Olivia, after Alex had been shot. She had given her the picture at the funeral, and had held Olivia as she sobbed.

The next question is whispered, as Noah raises his curious eyes to Olivia. “Did you love Alex, Mommy?”

She tries to smile to keep the tears at bay. “I did, very much.”

“Did something happen to her? ‘Cause now she makes you sad.”

Olivia shakes her head at her little boy, impressed as always by his ability to read her emotions. “Many years ago, Alex had to go away for a while. She came back for a little bit, but it wasn’t safe for her here. She was gone for a long time, and it was hard for both of us. When it was safe again, she didn’t want to stay here anymore. I miss her very much, which is why it makes me sad.”

She doesn’t tell Noah that she wants Alex to come back, despite the warning signs. She wants her to come back and stay forever.

Sixteen years, she reminds herself. Sixteen years of waiting.

She hears Elliot asking, _Is she worth it?_

She wonders how much of herself she’ll give to Alex before she has an answer.

* * *

If the last few times have taught Olivia anything, it’s that this visit will be no different from the others. Alex’s arms around her at the skating rink still haunt her, and she can already feel the goodbye burning at her throat.

When she wakes two days later, startled into consciousness before dawn by a case, she almost misses Alex’s name in her notifications. But she sees it. And, against all instincts telling her otherwise, she reads the messages.

_Hey Liv, it’s me. I’m sorry it’s been so long. I’m in the city for a bit, and I’d like to see you again._

There’s a second, sent ten minutes later, as if Alex had begun to overthink her words.

_I understand if you’d rather not. I keep running away from you, and I can’t imagine what that’s felt like. But if you’re willing to give me a last chance, I’d like to try again._

She thinks about Alex’s words for the better part of the day, unsure of what to say. All of her friends would tell her to say no, so she doesn’t tell them. Mostly because it’s her heart, her decision. And Alex had apologized. Asked for a last chance.

As if she knew how close Olivia was to running out of chances.

(Usually it was Olivia who was screwing up and apologizing. She appreciates the turnabout.)

It isn’t until she’s leaving the precinct that evening that Olivia finally responds. Leaning against the elevator wall, she types out a one-handed, half-thought message: _I’m free tomorrow night. Dinner and talk?_

The response comes seconds later. _Deal. Our usual?_

The fact that they still have a usual after so many broken years amazes Olivia, but she knows exactly what Alex means. So she tells her yes. Feels the dread chip away ever so slightly.

* * *

Olivia arrives at the restaurant early, a million thoughts spinning through her head. Fin’s gentle warning when she’d left the precinct, as he told her to be careful and call if she needed anything. The hopeful smile on Noah’s face when she told him where she was going; his hushed voice asking if he’d be able to meet Alex, after. The way Lucy had wished her good luck as she waved to her from the door.

She tries to clear her mind, but it’s a futile effort. But when she glances up and sees a familiar flick of blonde hair by the door, it’s all wiped away.

Alex meets her gaze and smiles, hesitant and beautiful, and Olivia melts.

She stands to greet her, and soaks Alex in after the months they’ve been apart. Alex looks the same—the only changes a new pair of glasses and more exhaustion behind her eyes.

Olivia smiles and says, “It’s good to see you, Alex.”

“You too. I’ve missed you, Liv.”

The admission sits between them, heavy in the air, and it’s all Olivia can do to stop herself from making a joke about at least letting her have a drink first. But she gazes longer at Alex and sees the nervousness there, so uncharacteristic of the brave ADA she used to be.

She wonders, briefly, if they can ever be the people they were back then.

“I missed you too, Alex,” she whispers, and knows that’s the same. She thinks about Noah, about the squad, how Fin says she’s any day from being named Captain. Knows that she can’t go back to who she was when she fell in love, and doesn’t want to.

Hopes that maybe it won’t matter.

“We never went on a real first date,” she tells Alex abruptly, drawing her out of her thoughts. “We should change that.”

“Oh?” Alex says, caught off guard by Olivia’s forwardness. “How so?”

“Right now.” Olivia spreads her hands, gestures around them. “First date. Wine for the nerves, bad flirting, you know the drill. And we can get to know each other.”

The _again _is left unspoken, but Alex hears it, nonetheless.

“Okay.” She cracks a smile under Olivia’s gaze and Olivia smiles back, nudging her foot against Alex’s beneath the table. _Just like old times._

“So, tell me, Liv, what are you doing at work these days?”

* * *

They leave the restaurant side by side, feeling years lighter than they did going in. They had talked about everything, caught up on all the missed memories. Standing on the sidewalk, the air just cold enough to fog their breath, Olivia thinks this might just be the time they get it right.

“Where do we go from here?” Alex asks, and Olivia tries not to consider the future implications of that question.

Instead she says, “Actually, I was wondering if you’d like to come back to my place for a bit. Noah wants to meet you.”

Alex meets her eyes, an apprehensive smile growing on her lips. “He does?” Olivia nods. “And…you want me to meet him?”

Olivia exhales slowly. She had contemplated this very question ever since Noah had asked it. Her instinct to protect him had fought against her dreams of a family. But here, standing arm to arm with Alex after a night of starting over, she thinks she has her answer.

“Alex, I agreed to see you tonight because I was really hoping that we could figure out how to make this—us—work. And if it’s going to, then Noah is going to part of it too. So, yes, I want you to meet him.”

“I can’t wait,” Alex whispers. Olivia grins, hooking her arm with Alex’s, and they begin the walk home.

* * *

The journey to Olivia’s apartment isn’t long, but Alex takes advantage of the time to learn all she can about this little boy who owns Olivia’s heart. From the way Olivia smiles and the way her eyes light up when she talks, Alex can tell that Noah is one special kid, and she hasn’t even met him yet.

Olivia doesn’t let go of Alex’s arm until she goes to unlock her front door. She greets Lucy, who lets her know that Noah is brushing his teeth, and sends the girl home with her thanks. Olivia motions for Alex to put down her coat and purse, and goes off to find Noah.

After leaving her coat by the door, Alex makes her way to the living room. She hasn’t been in Olivia’s new apartment more than a few times. She misses the old one, sometimes, and the memories they had there. Looking around her, she sees pictures of Noah, of he and Olivia together, of Olivia with her new squad.

It’s probably for the best that she moved on, Alex tells herself. Making new memories in a new home with people who knew how to stay.

The sound of footsteps draws her attention, and Alex turns back as Olivia returns to the living room, Noah trailing behind her.

“Alex, I want you to meet my son, Noah. Noah, this is my friend Alex. Do you want to say hi?” Olivia half-turns so she can see Noah, who slowly makes his way out from behind her legs.

Smiling shyly, Noah mumbles, “Hi Alex.”

“Hey, Noah.” Alex sits on the couch so she’s closer to his height. “Your mommy told me a lot about you.”

Noah giggles. “Mommy told me about you too.” He pauses, looking between Olivia and Alex. “Are you gonna work together again?”

Frowning, Olivia says, “Not right now, sweetie. Alex has a different job.”

Seeing the disappointment on Noah’s face, Alex adds, “I will be staying in New York, though, so I might go back someday. I’m just not sure yet.” Her words seem to cheer up Noah, but Olivia’s confusion only deepens.

“You’re staying?”

Every goodbye had started like this. Olivia tries to stop that train of thought before it ruins everything.

“Yes,” Alex says, and the nerves from earlier start creeping back. “I loved what I was doing but…I realized there were more important things here. Things that I probably shouldn’t have left behind.”

Alex’s gaze is heavy when it meets Olivia’s. The weight of every moment between the bullet in Alex’s shoulder and where they stand now has pooled in the space between them, waiting to be bottled up or set free.

Trying not to choke on her emotions, Olivia whispers, “Noah, can you head to bed? I’ll come tuck you in soon. I just have to talk with Alex for a few minutes.”

“Okay, I’ll wait for you. Goodnight, Alex.”

“Goodnight, Noah. I’m glad I got to meet you.”

“Me too.” With a small wave, Noah disappears down the hall, leaving Olivia and Alex alone with their history.

Olivia exhales shakily and sits beside Alex, muting the television. The muffled sounds of the city below take its place. Still staring into the space in front of her, Olivia asks, “Alex, why did you come back?”

The silence stretches on as Alex figures out how to explain herself. After all these years, she owes Olivia at least that much. “I came back because…because I realized that I’d made a mistake. That I’d been making mistakes ever since I left Witness Protection.” She stops, breathes. Olivia still isn’t looking at her, and Alex reaches out to take Olivia’s hand in hers. “I left because I was afraid. Afraid of what had happened, afraid that too much time had passed, afraid that I wouldn’t be the same person that you fell in love with. And I kept running away because I didn’t know how to be okay with any of that.”

Olivia’s gaze had come to rest on their joined hands, but at Alex’s last statement, she finally meets Alex’s eyes. She feels the tears burning in her eyes and sees them reflected in Alex’s. “I never stopped loving you, Alex,” she whispers. “I know why you were afraid. I just wish you understood that you didn’t have to leave. No matter what happened, I would always be here.”

“I know,” Alex says, and she sounds ashamed. “But it reached the point where I didn’t think I deserved you anymore. Not with who I’d become.”

“Alex, look at us. Neither of us are the same as when we started dating. Everything has changed since then. But beneath all that, you’re still the Alex Cabot who marched into SVU and stole my heart all those years ago.”

Alex smiles, a choked laugh escaping her lips. “And you are still the Olivia Benson who made me realize that there’s more to life than the job.”

“I want this to work,” Olivia says, and she squeezes Alex’s hand. “I’m terrified, but I want this—_us_—to work this time.”

“Me too.” They sit in silence for a moment, unsure of how to proceed. Eventually, Alex whispers, “Can I ask…why did you keep waiting?”

Olivia looks at her, glowing in the lights of the television, looking broken and hopeful all at once. Thinks how she wants to kiss her, how she’s waited sixteen years to have this conversation and now doesn’t know what to say. “To be honest,” she starts, “I don’t know. Elliot would ask me the same thing, and so would Fin and Casey. I never had an answer. But I think it was because I knew I was never going to get over you completely, and I always had just enough hope to keep waiting.”

“I’m sorry that I made you wait so long,” Alex says. “But thank you for not giving up on me.”

“I couldn’t if I wanted to,” Olivia tells her, and Alex laughs through the tears.

They sit on the couch for a few more minutes, leaning against each other, until Olivia mentions Noah and Alex says she should be getting home. Alex collects her things and meets Olivia at the door, a heavy but not uncomfortable silence between them. For the first time in years, Olivia isn’t afraid to say goodbye.

“Can I kiss you goodnight?” Alex asks quietly, and Olivia says yes without hesitation. Alex’s lips are soft and sure against her own, and Olivia feels everything calm within her. When they pull apart, smiling shyly, she thinks they finally got it right.

“Goodnight, Alex. Talk to you tomorrow?”

“I’ll be waiting. Goodnight, Liv.”

Alex turns down the hall, and Olivia recedes back into the apartment toward Noah’s room, her mind still stuck on Alex’s lips on hers. The years-old question echoes in her head: _Is she worth it?_

And as she walks into Noah’s room, watching as her son’s eyes light up as he asks when they’ll see Alex again, her heart full and light for the first time in years, Olivia finally answers _yes._


End file.
